Did you know that it was possible to be in such a state of ennui, that time stops still?
That your entire life force is being sucked away from you as your brain cells die, and you find yourself counting bubbles in your drink Just so you remember to breath? No? neither did I Dear Reader. Neither did I!!
I had high hopes for the gardener. His sense of humor seemed on point. His profile was cute, with just the right amount of edginess. His pictures showed him skiing around the world. An athlete I hear you cry! We all know how Kim likes a fit body.
He gardens and volunteers at his local community garden also so he has philanthropic tendencies with a dose of humbleness. We all also know how much Kim likes a gardener. Alan Tirchmarsh and Monty Dom sandwich any day. A man who knows his heuchera from his herbaceous borders is damn sexy. And I defy you to say otherwise.
As you saw in my last hashtag, the picture he sent of him handling a courgette seemed to suggest a playful sense of humor (or vegan dick pic as some of your suggested). Sadly, the comments on the most boring Facebook page in the world has more of a sense of humor or playfulness than this man. It turns out that the picture had nothing to do with humor, but everything to do with his prize winning courgette from the local “County Fair” competition!!
I just stared blankly at him, waiting for the punchline. There wasn’t one.
So the evening started in my fav local eatery (you all know the one). I met The Gardener outside and gave him a little hug as a hello. He just looked bored out of his mind and really unimpressed with both me and the venue. Now, I’ve taken a lot of people to this eatery and it’s anything but unimpressive, so that left me.
Every insecurity I’ve ever had about myself came to light and I started to rack my brains to find out where I had maybe mislead this guy in my online profile. Maybe I was too tall? Maybe I was too fat? Maybe I wasn’t cute enough? Maybe I was too bold with my dress choice? Maybe my bra was showing? Maybe he didn’t like career women? Maybe my confidence came across as arrogance? Maybe I had used the wrong word in a sentence? Maybe he knows that sometimes I have to double check to ensure I’ve used the correct “effect/affect”?
I literally dissected my every flaw in the 2 minutes it took to get to the bar and couldn’t work out what was so unimpressive about me….. until precisely 332 seconds later when he told me one of the main perks of his career was that he just found out he received 75% off all rail travel in the country. That’s 75% off. That means he only pays 25% of a ticket. He then went on to explain to me exactly what 25% means.
“So if a ticket is £100. I only pay £25!!!! That’s 25%”
Me “wow, that’s a great saving”
Him “I don’t think you understand. So, if a ticket price is listed as £10. I only pay £2.50”
Me “yeah I get it”
Him “are you sure?”
And then it hit me. The problem he had with me was that I was smart. I could work out 25% of something without his help!!!
Hand over that Mensa application boys, my IQ is coming to get you.
So I got my cider (grace a dieu) and bought him a beer, and we sat outside to enjoy the last of the sunshine. Not before I managed to say hi (or ciao and bonjour) to everyone I knew in the Venue (great seeing you Massimo Guasti), just to prove that not only was I friendly, but I could also work out 25% of something in multiple languages.
Did you know that you can’t make your brain explode just by wishing it? It turns out that all the Tony Robbins “if you think it, it will happen” BS, isn’t real.
After an hour of him talking about his patio garden, I was bored. Don’t get me wrong, I was impressed by the 32 vegetables he grew on his balcony for about 3 minutes. Then I was hoping the conversation would move on…. it didn’t. He then started showing me multiple pictures of every stage of each vegetables growth cycle like I was a child!!! I told him the only thing I watch religiously on tv was gardeners world, and while all my friends were monthly subscribers to “Take That monthly”, I was a 12 year old with a subscription to “Gardeners world magazine” and “succulents and how to love them”. This isn’t actually even a joke. I had over 300 cacti at one point with my own greenhouse to house them. I wonder why I had no friends in school.
But even I was bored by this conversation and patronizing photo journalism.
Every time I tried to steer the conversation away from his balcony, we somehow ended up back on it again. I’m a pretty good conversationalist but I Just couldn’t get this man past his passion for horticulture. I started counting the vowels on the label of cider and creating my own version of Countdown in my head.
He asked if I wanted to get food. I didn’t. Y’all know this fat girl loves to eat but I was so scared that if we ordered food, it would prolong the agony of this date for even longer.
I started to strategize a way out. As I didn’t want to be the douche (not that kind of douche David Wildman!), who pulls her phone out on a date, I started a fake coughing fit. I mean, I do have a respiratory infection so it wasn’t entirely fake….. ok it was. I started such a hard coughing fit, that he was concerned for my well being and went to get a glass of water (the Academy Award goes to…).
As soon as he was out of sight, I whipped out my phone. Posted a “bored” message on fb, and arranged for my friend to call me in exactly 30 minutes with a dog related emergency.
As he returned with my water (and a beer for himself…wanker!!), I resumed my fit of malinger and started to make excuses.
This is where he finally changed the subject to darts!!!!
I know nothing of darts, I care nothing of darts. The only “dart” I was currently interested in was getting out of here.
He talked and talked and talked and talked. The only thing I learned was that darts always ended on a double (not a double shot as I hoped for!). He told me probably the most hilarious story in his repertory (about how he got his Captain of the darts team nickname), I feigned interest and pondered another coughing fit.
He finally got the hint that I needed to go home because I was ill, and we made a rather swift exit. I showed him to his bicycle and pretended to walk home. What I really did was hid behind a car, called my friend, waited for him to leave and circled back to the venue to get food!! I looked too pretty to waste the evening.
I listened to jazz, had some great food, sexy cocktails, met with a prior Tinder date for a chat, and bought random boys beers (well, they give me free brownies so not totally random boys).
I’m not sure how much more of this Tindering I can do . Do matchmakers (like in Mulan) exist?
