So this guy was a total wild card when it came to tinder dates. He had a mop of curly hair and in almost every picture he was dressed in a leotard. He looked like a crazy artist and I found him super interesting so agreed to meet.
He is the frontman of an indie band (you spotting a theme here dear reader?) lol.
So today I spent most of the day in bed as Felt super sick. He was very good about me pushing our lunch “date” back a few hours until dinner time.
I ended up painting my office wall right before our date so turned up covered in blue paint and looking like a smurf.
I strolled into the Venue and instantly spotted him. He looked just like his profile picture (minus the leotard), and had that awkward, artistic, look about him. He had odd socks on and rainbow trainers and I was instantly reminded of the guy who lived next door to me in halls at uni. Even at uni, i could never decide if I did fancy him or not, he was awkward but creative. And The Dandy reminded me of him a little too much.
He went in for an awkward kiss, but ended up head butting me instead. He apologized a little bit too much which made the entire thing even more excruciating. We ended up shaking hands instead. Weird.
There was something off about him. He didn’t want to be there. I started thinking to myself, that this will be my first tinder fail. Where the guy found me so repulsive, He just needed to leave.
Thankfully there was an explanation to his weird behavior…… he was on drugs!!
He then went on to not only tell me the drugs he had taken, but also the wild sex/art party he had had the night before!!
This was new turf for me and I was equally horrified and impressed. I should have left, but this tinder story needed to be told.
We walked around the Venue a couple of times and he was overwhelmed by the choice of food….. I wasn’t. I just wanted pizza (quelle surprise!!)
He ended up ordering something he wanted us to share but didn’t understand the concept of me being vegan and ordered duck. That’s cool. I don’t need to share food. But he kept on trying to feed me his duck and I kept refusing. At one point, he lifted up his fork and made a “choo choo” sound (like you would with a child), and slowly moved it to my mouth!!! Fucking weird guys. Fucking weird.
I’m all for guys trying to feed me. In fact, I think that’s my ideal relationship (someone who cooks for me), but this was next level bizarre.
So he’s telling me about his band and showing me his art work on Instagram and asking me tips on social media.
This seems to be an ongoing theme these days. Everyone is asking me for social media advice. Maybe I should consider a career change and become a guidance counselor or similar.
Of start using tinder to market my social media skills.
So remember I told you about him head butting me by mistake? There was something about the warm air, or the cider, or my cold that suddenly made my nose start bleeding. Sadly, I am not one of those people who have “delicate nosebleeds”, where Victorian gentlemen pass you a hanky and you can just lightly dab away. My nose bleeds are of volcanic proportions. As I’m bleeding all over the place, he hands me a tissue. The kinda tissue that is so crap at absorbing, they are used in commercials to make any other product look better (and more absorbent)!!
The tissues sadly make the entire situation worse and now blood is streaming down my nose and hands where it is mixing with the dried on blue paint resulting in a real life Picassoesq study of the grotesque.
There is now a crowd forming around us with well intentioned people handing various things to stop my nose bleeding…… including someone handing me their scarf!!! Their actual scarf!!!! Like why?
So I finally manage to get to the ladies room where as soon as I enter, my nose is all like “nah I’m cool. I don’t need to bleed no more!”. So I just take a moment to stare at myself and thank “what the hell has happened in my life to lead to this moment ?”
I’m having a bloody existential crisis
I emerge from the bathroom (looking less like a scene from Carrie) and tell him that I need to get home as I’m just too unwell to be out.
To his credit he is brilliant and I promise him that it wasn’t his company. I mean, actually losing pints of blood to get out of a tinder date is pretty hard core/desperate.
He walks me to the supermarket to buy me some coconut water and then walks me home.
I’m currently in bed eating the free brownie I got for being a regular customer at the market
Probably won’t see him again considering my entire life blood seemed allergic to his presence.