Gave a guy from okCupid my Instagram account details and he saw my before and after weight loss pictures and said “you look very sexy now”. I’ve now totally lost all interest in him.

No mate. I looked just as sexy before, just different!! My weight loss (or gain), does not dictate my sexiness.

So ?

At least it amused the Uber driver!!! Lol

 

When your local Lib Dem candidate comes round asking for your vote and you think he is your Airbnb guest!!
It only took 10 minutes of me giving him a tour of the flat, showing him his bedroom and how the front door works that he told me he wasn’t who I thought he was!!

I then lied saying I thought he was one of my clients… and now I’m pretty sure he thinks I am a prostitute

Got my vote ?

So this is my current face in an uber.

So my uber pulls up and the driver gets out the car and holds the door open for me. And being me, I’m like “oh, hey Kim. Looking good”. He then asks if he should put the air conditioning on. Yup, I’m legit going to marry this guy.
It was all going so well until he asks “how far along I am!!”.
Me “how far along? Like to the theatre?”
Him “no in your pregnancy!”
Me “ohhhhhhh”

So I have typical fat girl problems and often get asked how far along I am in my pregnancy when people spot my bagel belly.

So instead of being a normal person and saying “nah bitch, I’m just fat”, I do my usual thing and just lie saying I am pregnant, and start making up shit about scans and sexes and all this other stuff. See friends with children, i do Kinda listen to what you’re saying without even realizing.

He then says he remembers me from a previous uber trip and how is that last child doing?
Ffs, like the only uber driver who has ever remembered me also remembers my last fake pregnancy.

So now I’m stuck in an uber having an entire conversation about how baby Timmy is really looking forward to having a baby brother. His name will probably be Tommy (I don’t know where that came from guys. I’m disappointed in myself also!!! ).

So I’m now expecting another imaginary child who I already have enrolled in the best pre school in the borough!!!!!

All this for some air conditioning

So I got my implant fixed today (at a different clinic). Inserted correctly and I watched to make sure.
The cute nurse guy said to me “it won’t be effective for at least a week so have a couple of condoms to see you through the week”. He then handed me a sealed envelope with a wink and I placed it in my bag.

Turns out the NHS think I am a bloody sex beast as I just opened the envelope to find 40 condoms!!!!!

Like what the hell am I going to do with 40 condoms in a week? Make the dogs little swim caps??? Nicely lubricated shoes for Folly???
I feel he has set me a challenge that I cannot live up to
#condomfail #condomshoesfordogs