So this years task is to try and bake more.

I don’t currently bake anything but need some ideas for recipes for things that DONT need measuring cups, scales, blenders, whiskers, big mixing bowls, cookie trays.

I basically have some flour, booze, cereal bowl and a soup spoon.

So any ideas of things I can bake, send them my way

I have concluded that I am totally allergic to exercise- it actually makes me want to vomit.

So my friend asked me to join her at spin class tonight and like a tool/fool I said “yes, sure, what’s the worst thing that could happen?”

Apparently the worst thing that could happen was not within the realms of my imagination!!

I thought yesterday’s work out was torture but today was even worse.

Like a smart person, I took a few pain killers before I saw the gym, because you know, abs!!

Apparently this wasn’t enough to deal with the torture that was about to begin.

As a child, I wanted to be a spy. I still think about it every time I watch an espionage movie. I wouldn’t break under torture, under the threat of being killed, or limbs being removed. I would NEVER give up government secrets under any circumstances…….until they put me on a spin bike!!! Under those circumstances, I would tell them anything they wanted to know.

The instructor was a lovely friendly lady who appeared to have had too many Xanax pills as there is no way someone is naturally that perky (unless they were allowed to wake up in a room full of puppies).

She spoke us through all the necessaries of the bike. This is where I started to zone out. I knew how to use a bike dammit. I used to cycle the streets of Brooklyn and Manhattan without needing a manual, I got this spinning shit. How wrong I was.

Apparently I didn’t even know the most basic principle of bike riding-how to sit down on the bike!!!

No matter how I sat down, waves of pain shot up my ass. What the f*$k??? I couldn’t even sit on the bike??? This was gonna be a problem.

Turns out I have a very delicate bottom…. Like a peach?.

The next hour took us on a journey through the French Alps, Sweden and Germany as we were supposed to imagine ourselves having super awesome journeys on our bikes through these amazing places. Sadly, All I could think about were clouds. My bum sitting on lovely soft clouds instead of the wedge of pain between my ass!!!

I tried to do the only thing I could think of to reduce the pain, alternating between left bum cheek and right bum cheek. This worked for a while till both “cheeks” decided to protest this ridiculous treatment and just clenched and refused to work anymore.

Drastic times mean drastic measures. I took off my t-shirt and sat on it!!! That stupid piece of crap tshirt only seemed to make things worse so I asked my partner in crime for her towel…. To sit on. Even though we were cycling in the dark (or just pretending in my case) I could still see the weird look Jess gave me when I requested an ass towel. She legit thinks I am nuts now!

Time on bike: 2 minutes

Time in purgatory: 200 years

My fav part of spinning class was the not sitting on the bike part

#nailedit

AQUAMAN REVIEW

(this contains spoilers so don’t read if you intend to watch it)

So I went to see Aquaman with a friend, and it was not remotely what I expected. I should have probably googled it before I sat down. However I went in blind. I knew there was a hot man. And lots of wetness… Wet… Wet people?… Wet things?… Wetness? I think I actually mean wetness!!! like everything was wet! (Not including me you dirty people)

There was the hot guy at the centre of the story. The protagonist. I can’t actually remember what his name was in the movie however I just did what everyone else did and referred to him as Aquaman. He was hot. However, the more the movie pointed out how deliciously beautiful he was, the less I liked him. Every time the sexy Aquaman music came on when the actor (who’s name I can’t remember) appeared I found myself groaning… and not in a sexy way!!

I think the combination of epic muscles, combined with the 90’s style stripper music, (and the aforementioned wetness) made me uncomfortable. Like that time my mum and I were watching tv together and ended up watching an entire “Chippendales: live” show because it was entirely too awkward for either of us to change the channel. In fact, I am pretty sure one of the chippendales looked like Aquaman now I think about it!!!

So as the movie progressed, it turned out that Aquaman has a hot brother (I’m living for the idea of a hot brother spin off guys). I can’t remember his name either, but he reminded me of a Viking. Or He-Man. Not sure what happened to his character most of the time because I was so distracted by the size of his neck!!

So Aquaman it turns out is a drunk. A smelly drunk at that. And he meets a girl who looks just like Ariel from The Little Mermaid. She looked so much like Ariel that I just found myself staring at her open mouthed every time she came on screen. Does anyone know what number her hair color is? Because I need it in my life. #redheadsforlife

So Ariel thinks Aquaman is stupid (he is) and is a total badass about it. She also wears exceptionally tailored white linen trouser suits. Note to self… get some white clothes… and a tailor!!

The movie should really be retitled “Ariel” as she’s the hero of the entire show. She’s the Hermoine of the sea world and (it turns out), is engaged to Draco… Aquaman’s brother!! Sorry not Draco. Wrong franchise. The hot, blonde brother. (I clearly have a thing for blonde bad boys. Call me when you’re legal Draco!!)

So some stuff happens. Yadda. Yadda. The hot brother and Aquaman have a fight and blondie wins (smug), and Aquaman ends up being saved by Ariel.

Also guys, I forgot to mention that Willem Defoe is in this. Probably worth pointing this out about now as I guess it’s important. But seriously. Defoe is hot also. And also very wet.

Oh, it also turns out that Nicole Kidman is Aquaman, and hot bro’s mother. I did know that before, but only just remembered. She is assumed dead, but it turns out she has been chilling with dinosaurs (and wearing them) for a good 20 years. Her hair is also a pile of knots and ratted (much similar to mine in the morning).

So Nicole (and the dinosaurs) are at the Centre of the earth with the magic staff that Aquaman needs to save the world. Only problem is that it is being guarded by Audrey II (The Plant In “Little Shop of Horrors”). I fully expected Audrey to start shouting “Feed me Seymour” and Nicole to burst out in a rendition of “Suddenly Seymour”. Probably for the best this didn’t happen as we have all heard Nicole Kidman sing!!!! (oh no she didn’t!!)

So meanwhile, Hot Bro is collecting an army of sea creatures to take over the world (you do you). And he is just about at his last creatures to destroy, and to his surprise they are pretty badass. It shook me to bro. It shook me too.

The creatures are basically bed bugs. However, they are all getting in Hot Bros face with the level of annoyance that all the hobbits in LOTR have when they are crawling over things.

So the bed bug Lord is nearly defeated when lo and behold, Aquaman appears from the sea floor, riding Aubrey!!! Who would have guessed it? The hero made a “heroic” entrance moments before the movie ends. Ariel also comes back to fight hot brother/ex fiancée.

Aquaman is losing (again) against Hot Bro and Ariel saves the day again. Suggesting they fight “above the water”. Marry me Ariel.

So it’s a bro on bro fight, and Ariel (realizing entirely how awful Aquaman is) try’s to get Willem Defoe to help save Aquaman (again). However Defoe is like “nah. The people need to see this battle!!”.

She an’t happy, but decided to watch anyway.

This is where the audience (ie me), was really asked to suspend their belief. Yeah everything up until now was a little whimsical, but entirely possible.

However this next fight scene literally takes the cake.

So it’s the ultimate bro on bro battle. They are on a ship wreck surrounded by everyone in the ocean (and land) who need to see this battle. Literally the most important fight scene that has ever happened and needs to be witnessed by the most powerful sea creatures of all time. And you know what they do? They have it in the middle of a fucking storm, with the highest waves possible. So literally no one can see anything!! All these creatures that can control the weather decide to not make it a nice clear sunny day with a great view for everyone. No. They decide that no one can see anything at all.

“Who you cheering for frank?”

“The blonde one”

“Oh.. I didn’t even know there was a blonde one on the field!!”

And where is Nicole Kidman right now I hear you cry? She’s clearly been doing her hair for the past 4 hours of fighting (I feel your pain girl) because she now makes a triumphant reappearance with her glad rags on and has combatted the frizz. You go girl.

So Aquaman wins. Hot bro is taken to the dungeon (sadly not my dungeon).

And they all live happily ever after

Solid 5.1/10

I know how you all love my post work out posts so here is another one for you. (god it’s been ages so you know I haven’t been working out!!)

3rd private session with my trainer and this time I managed to convince/ bribe/ mislead my sister to join me in what I described as a “fun filled session of stretching and basic movement”. Lies, lies, and more lies.

I just knew from the first 2 minutes of the trainer arriving that this session was gonna be fucking terrible. The fancy scales were brought out and BMI, bone density, fat levels, etc were taken for the two of us. You know when they start playing Darth Vader’s Imperial March a few moments before he appears? That’s how I felt about the exercise session that was about to start.

Within minutes of running on the spot and pushing my arms back and forth, I wanted to die and was closely resembling a tomato that had been out in the sun too long and fought a Germany beach goer for the last sun lounger in Benedorm!!!

About here I wanted to die. Minutes exercising .25 seconds!!!

The next 45 minutes involved me mostly using my stomach muscles (abs perhaps?) to prevent myself from vomiting all over my sister and trying really hard not to faint as I would have legit have to be taken out the window a la “Gilbert Grapes” mum!!!!

Water torture or water boarding would have been more fun than exercising.

When these thoughts entered my head, I thought maybe I should say something to the trainer but really couldn’t risk her answer being “if you have time to think, you aren’t working hard enough!!” So kept quiet…… Really quiet.

Time moves slower when you are exercising… Real slow. Like I swear I had seen my grandchildren graduate and elope (with totally inappropriate partners I may add) before this session ended. I swear I was marching on the spot for 90 years.

It finally ended and somehow between start and finish my legs had been replaced by jelly, my arms had fallen off and I felt like had gone a round with Mike Tyson.

Till next time

Arrogance. There is nothing more attractive. Arrogance combined with the certainty of the fact that you are “Gods gift” to women kind (sorry, human kind) are indeed the most attractive traits to any hot blooded young lady (I use “young” here dear Reader,as this is clearly the truthful part of the post. 😉 )

I lay awake at night dreaming that my Prince Charming will come along and teach me what 25% is. How to eat vegan food. Or expect me to pay for his dinner and drinks. One can only dream of such a catch.

Well ladies and gentlemen. I met the King of all men last night. Let’s call him the Rat King as he is an amalgam of every awful trait a person could have. (Side note. I am not responsible for you googling “Rat King”. I wouldn’t recommend it. But I’m also a sicko who couldn’t look away)

It was New Years Day. What’s that saying? The first day of the year sets the tone for the rest of it? Well this lady was ready. 2019 was going to be the year of all the boys after the unexpected and awkward pause when I attempted a relationship (not quite sure what I was thinking!!!).

I had been trying out a new app. It was a little exciting and new, but lacked the detail of my usual “go to” app. It also clearly lacked an “asshole” filter to weed out the megalomaniacs and omniscience men amongst us.

The Rat King and I hadn’t chatted much before hand in all honesty but he was a teacher, and grew up not far from where I went to uni. We had a bit of banter on WhatsApp and after-all it was the “holidays”, so I thought why not?

He turned up, and he was an absolute “lad”. I didn’t even know that polo T-shirt’s with the collars straight up were still a thing. He wanted to go to a british chain pub designed for the misguided, and unfortunate. What a shame there wasn’t one open nearby!!

We went to a youngish pub attached to a youth hostel (which I seem to be frequenting a lot recently on dates). The staff are friendly. Drinks cheap (but good), and atmosphere “homely” (but that might just be because it has basically become my second home now!!).

The Rat-king was from Scotland and was currently working in education. Now dear Reader. I have a lot of friends who work in education. A lot. They all seem to have similar traits. All caring. Patient. Empathetic. Nurturing. Etc. The Rat King was none of those things. He was a condescending wanker (a british term that perfectly sums up what a dick head this individual is).

He talked solidly for 60 minutes. 60 minutes!! And I’ll have you know, I’m not a quiet person…. at all.

It was just impossible to get a word in edgeways. Every time I started to talk, he came up with a new story, anecdote, or life lesson that I simply had to know. It just became a character study for me. How much can one person talk before he gets bored of hearing his own voice?

The answer is a lot.

It got to the point where I may as well not have been there. So I went to the bar and got another drink. He shouted a few “commands” at me and continued talking. I just stood at the bar flabbergasted and took a selfie of the mortification on my face (doing it for the gram people). The Rat King was talking at me so loudly from the other side of the room that the bar tender had to go up to him and ask if he was ok because he was disturbing other customers.

I bought him a larger. Hold the cyanide.

When I brought it back to the table, the conversation had now moved on, and he was mocking children that he teaches. Doing impressions of the kids at his school. And I just sat there. Wondering what happened to the start of the year that began so wonderfully.

It was when I started to put my cardigan on to leave. that The Rat King asked me my first question. “What do I do?”

This isn’t often an easy question to answer as I’m one of those annoying “multi hyphen” job people. I do a bit of everything. I had listed my first job “actress” and was told by the Rat King that it wasn’t a real job. That acting was only for famous people. How everyone calls themselves an “actor” (pronounced actooor) these days.

Me “ummmm ok”

Rat King “go on. Go on. What else do you do (dooooooo)?”

Me “I am a producer, blogger and Instagrammer”

RK “those aren’t real jobs!!! Just trying to be famous are you? What even is that?”

Me “well, it’s …..”

RK “all the kids in my class want to be “influencers”. It’s just made up crap. Like what even do you influence? Is just conning people. Being famous for the sake of famous. You don’t even deliver anything”

This continued for a further 45 minutes as I just sat there stupefied by this “man” insulting my entire career and life choices without knowing (or caring) about what I do!!

I just started putting my coat on in slow motion. He continued talking and talking faster and faster to get as many words out as possible.

It was during this little monologue that the conversation took a sick and twisted angle. I was clearly leaving and he realized he had lost his “audience” so he made a last minute desperate attempt to keep my attention. He started talking about how all the mums at his school want to “shag” him. How his colleagues won’t stop propositioning him. How he was God’s gift to womenkind. Etc etc. everyone wanted him (including the kids in his class) “but he didn’t fancy me anymore and wouldn’t even go down on me.”

Me “hahahaha. Go down on someone!!! You do realize that would mean you would have to stop talking?”

And I left the Rat King stupefied (and quiet for the first time all evening), walked past the bar, was given a high five by the barman, and then got the bouncers telephone number