Life (mis)Management

So this years task is to try and bake more.

I don’t currently bake anything but need some ideas for recipes for things that DONT need measuring cups, scales, blenders, whiskers, big mixing bowls, cookie trays.

I basically have some flour, booze, cereal bowl and a soup spoon.

So any ideas of things I can bake, send them my way

I have concluded that I am totally allergic to exercise- it actually makes me want to vomit.

So my friend asked me to join her at spin class tonight and like a tool/fool I said “yes, sure, what’s the worst thing that could happen?”

Apparently the worst thing that could happen was not within the realms of my imagination!!

I thought yesterday’s work out was torture but today was even worse.

Like a smart person, I took a few pain killers before I saw the gym, because you know, abs!!

Apparently this wasn’t enough to deal with the torture that was about to begin.

As a child, I wanted to be a spy. I still think about it every time I watch an espionage movie. I wouldn’t break under torture, under the threat of being killed, or limbs being removed. I would NEVER give up government secrets under any circumstances…….until they put me on a spin bike!!! Under those circumstances, I would tell them anything they wanted to know.

The instructor was a lovely friendly lady who appeared to have had too many Xanax pills as there is no way someone is naturally that perky (unless they were allowed to wake up in a room full of puppies).

She spoke us through all the necessaries of the bike. This is where I started to zone out. I knew how to use a bike dammit. I used to cycle the streets of Brooklyn and Manhattan without needing a manual, I got this spinning shit. How wrong I was.

Apparently I didn’t even know the most basic principle of bike riding-how to sit down on the bike!!!

No matter how I sat down, waves of pain shot up my ass. What the f*$k??? I couldn’t even sit on the bike??? This was gonna be a problem.

Turns out I have a very delicate bottom…. Like a peach?.

The next hour took us on a journey through the French Alps, Sweden and Germany as we were supposed to imagine ourselves having super awesome journeys on our bikes through these amazing places. Sadly, All I could think about were clouds. My bum sitting on lovely soft clouds instead of the wedge of pain between my ass!!!

I tried to do the only thing I could think of to reduce the pain, alternating between left bum cheek and right bum cheek. This worked for a while till both “cheeks” decided to protest this ridiculous treatment and just clenched and refused to work anymore.

Drastic times mean drastic measures. I took off my t-shirt and sat on it!!! That stupid piece of crap tshirt only seemed to make things worse so I asked my partner in crime for her towel…. To sit on. Even though we were cycling in the dark (or just pretending in my case) I could still see the weird look Jess gave me when I requested an ass towel. She legit thinks I am nuts now!

Time on bike: 2 minutes

Time in purgatory: 200 years

My fav part of spinning class was the not sitting on the bike part

#nailedit

AQUAMAN REVIEW

(this contains spoilers so don’t read if you intend to watch it)

So I went to see Aquaman with a friend, and it was not remotely what I expected. I should have probably googled it before I sat down. However I went in blind. I knew there was a hot man. And lots of wetness… Wet… Wet people?… Wet things?… Wetness? I think I actually mean wetness!!! like everything was wet! (Not including me you dirty people)

There was the hot guy at the centre of the story. The protagonist. I can’t actually remember what his name was in the movie however I just did what everyone else did and referred to him as Aquaman. He was hot. However, the more the movie pointed out how deliciously beautiful he was, the less I liked him. Every time the sexy Aquaman music came on when the actor (who’s name I can’t remember) appeared I found myself groaning… and not in a sexy way!!

I think the combination of epic muscles, combined with the 90’s style stripper music, (and the aforementioned wetness) made me uncomfortable. Like that time my mum and I were watching tv together and ended up watching an entire “Chippendales: live” show because it was entirely too awkward for either of us to change the channel. In fact, I am pretty sure one of the chippendales looked like Aquaman now I think about it!!!

So as the movie progressed, it turned out that Aquaman has a hot brother (I’m living for the idea of a hot brother spin off guys). I can’t remember his name either, but he reminded me of a Viking. Or He-Man. Not sure what happened to his character most of the time because I was so distracted by the size of his neck!!

So Aquaman it turns out is a drunk. A smelly drunk at that. And he meets a girl who looks just like Ariel from The Little Mermaid. She looked so much like Ariel that I just found myself staring at her open mouthed every time she came on screen. Does anyone know what number her hair color is? Because I need it in my life. #redheadsforlife

So Ariel thinks Aquaman is stupid (he is) and is a total badass about it. She also wears exceptionally tailored white linen trouser suits. Note to self… get some white clothes… and a tailor!!

The movie should really be retitled “Ariel” as she’s the hero of the entire show. She’s the Hermoine of the sea world and (it turns out), is engaged to Draco… Aquaman’s brother!! Sorry not Draco. Wrong franchise. The hot, blonde brother. (I clearly have a thing for blonde bad boys. Call me when you’re legal Draco!!)

So some stuff happens. Yadda. Yadda. The hot brother and Aquaman have a fight and blondie wins (smug), and Aquaman ends up being saved by Ariel.

Also guys, I forgot to mention that Willem Defoe is in this. Probably worth pointing this out about now as I guess it’s important. But seriously. Defoe is hot also. And also very wet.

Oh, it also turns out that Nicole Kidman is Aquaman, and hot bro’s mother. I did know that before, but only just remembered. She is assumed dead, but it turns out she has been chilling with dinosaurs (and wearing them) for a good 20 years. Her hair is also a pile of knots and ratted (much similar to mine in the morning).

So Nicole (and the dinosaurs) are at the Centre of the earth with the magic staff that Aquaman needs to save the world. Only problem is that it is being guarded by Audrey II (The Plant In “Little Shop of Horrors”). I fully expected Audrey to start shouting “Feed me Seymour” and Nicole to burst out in a rendition of “Suddenly Seymour”. Probably for the best this didn’t happen as we have all heard Nicole Kidman sing!!!! (oh no she didn’t!!)

So meanwhile, Hot Bro is collecting an army of sea creatures to take over the world (you do you). And he is just about at his last creatures to destroy, and to his surprise they are pretty badass. It shook me to bro. It shook me too.

The creatures are basically bed bugs. However, they are all getting in Hot Bros face with the level of annoyance that all the hobbits in LOTR have when they are crawling over things.

So the bed bug Lord is nearly defeated when lo and behold, Aquaman appears from the sea floor, riding Aubrey!!! Who would have guessed it? The hero made a “heroic” entrance moments before the movie ends. Ariel also comes back to fight hot brother/ex fiancée.

Aquaman is losing (again) against Hot Bro and Ariel saves the day again. Suggesting they fight “above the water”. Marry me Ariel.

So it’s a bro on bro fight, and Ariel (realizing entirely how awful Aquaman is) try’s to get Willem Defoe to help save Aquaman (again). However Defoe is like “nah. The people need to see this battle!!”.

She an’t happy, but decided to watch anyway.

This is where the audience (ie me), was really asked to suspend their belief. Yeah everything up until now was a little whimsical, but entirely possible.

However this next fight scene literally takes the cake.

So it’s the ultimate bro on bro battle. They are on a ship wreck surrounded by everyone in the ocean (and land) who need to see this battle. Literally the most important fight scene that has ever happened and needs to be witnessed by the most powerful sea creatures of all time. And you know what they do? They have it in the middle of a fucking storm, with the highest waves possible. So literally no one can see anything!! All these creatures that can control the weather decide to not make it a nice clear sunny day with a great view for everyone. No. They decide that no one can see anything at all.

“Who you cheering for frank?”

“The blonde one”

“Oh.. I didn’t even know there was a blonde one on the field!!”

And where is Nicole Kidman right now I hear you cry? She’s clearly been doing her hair for the past 4 hours of fighting (I feel your pain girl) because she now makes a triumphant reappearance with her glad rags on and has combatted the frizz. You go girl.

So Aquaman wins. Hot bro is taken to the dungeon (sadly not my dungeon).

And they all live happily ever after

Solid 5.1/10