So this is my current face in an uber.

So my uber pulls up and the driver gets out the car and holds the door open for me. And being me, I’m like “oh, hey Kim. Looking good”. He then asks if he should put the air conditioning on. Yup, I’m legit going to marry this guy.
It was all going so well until he asks “how far along I am!!”.
Me “how far along? Like to the theatre?”
Him “no in your pregnancy!”
Me “ohhhhhhh”

So I have typical fat girl problems and often get asked how far along I am in my pregnancy when people spot my bagel belly.

So instead of being a normal person and saying “nah bitch, I’m just fat”, I do my usual thing and just lie saying I am pregnant, and start making up shit about scans and sexes and all this other stuff. See friends with children, i do Kinda listen to what you’re saying without even realizing.

He then says he remembers me from a previous uber trip and how is that last child doing?
Ffs, like the only uber driver who has ever remembered me also remembers my last fake pregnancy.

So now I’m stuck in an uber having an entire conversation about how baby Timmy is really looking forward to having a baby brother. His name will probably be Tommy (I don’t know where that came from guys. I’m disappointed in myself also!!! ).

So I’m now expecting another imaginary child who I already have enrolled in the best pre school in the borough!!!!!

All this for some air conditioning

So as per my post earlier, I wasn’t really feeling up for a Tinder date tonight but didn’t want to cancel the guy after already changing the time twice today.

So I should preface this date with a shopping trip I had with a friend last week. She was sick of me just wearing a sports bra and schlep clothes that she took me shopping for lingerie that fits and forced me to buy multiple bra and panty sets. To be fare on her, I did have a steamy date that night so there was method to her madness.

Back to today. So because England decided to be graced with the coy presence of the sun , I realized that I couldn’t wear my regular first date outfit and had to think a little more abstractly.

I ended up picking a floral dress and some plimsols (because I am the only girl in the world who owns hardly any shoes!).
So I was looking pretty good in the outfit, considering I got ready in 10 minutes (and was already 10 minutes late) and was ready to meet my future ex from Tinder.

I picked a venue close to me. Anyone that knows me irl, knows I always go to the same place. It’s not remotely original but I like the food, atmosphere, and I also get a nice discount for being a regular ?

It’s less than 5 minutes walk from my flat so I let Tinder man know my eta. The only problem was, I was having peripheral vision issues. My eyesight was absolutely fine, but wearing this bra was unfocusing me. Wherever I looked, all I could see was boobs. Trying to cross the road? Boob obstruction. Putting my headphones away? Boob obstruction!!! Like my boobs were just everywhere I looked.
I’m not usually breast obsessed. They are just generally pillows. However, this new bra had somehow turned my breasts into Ursula Anderson In Bond mixed with Madonna in Vogue!!!

It also became a problem when I walked past the pub and I felt everyone was staring!!! Someone even asked how my day was!!!!!! (That is highly suspect from a Londoner!!).
So I ran (ok walked) back home to get a cardigan.

By this point, I was now 20 minutes late and I’m Pretty sure the guy thought I had stood him up.

I was able to walk better once covered up and met the date outside the venue. Now he had pre texted me what he was going to be wearing (a suit) and I knew this would go one of two ways. Either I instantly declare my love for him (knowing how much I love a man in a suit), or I think he is a politician. Thankfully it was the latter, and I was able to focus a little more on the conversation.

First thing he mentioned was how tall I am!!!!! I don’t understand why men on Tinder seem so surprised that someone who says they are 6ft tall, actually turns out to be 6ft tall!!!! It seems to be an ongoing theme recently.

So he’s lovely and buys me pizza (a sure way to my heart), I buy him beer (a way to a mans heart), and we find some seats. He offers to take my cardigan from me and before I had a chance to think, my bloody boobs were out like a beacon for every lost soul in the venue. Some random stranger actually came up to me and pulled a chair out for me to sit down at the table with my date!!! Another stranger across the communal table, handed me a napkin!!

When the pizza arrived, the entire situation became even worse as not only did I have to eat while Modestly covering my chest, I somehow managed to slam a pizza slice into the underside of my breasts while trying to get said slice from the table into my mouth!!!
I pretended to be casual about the entire thing and just brushed it off as nothing. That was until he started staring at my breasts. Almost transfixed. I was ready to give him a piece of my mind when I noticed a piece of mushroom stuck to the underside of my breast area started to slowly peel off and fall back onto the table. I was mortified and just sat there open mouthed unable to say anything other than softly muttering “I was saving that for later!!”

He wants to see me again!!!

Went on a Tinder date last night and for the first time the guy was taller than me.
Being me, I was running behind but he was totally chill about it (he is Australian!) so naturally also had me at the rather sexy accent.

So I turn up wearing my “I’m casual, but also trying to make an effort outfit” and if turns out he doesnt drink so I’m like *wtf!!*.
After I recompose myself, I decide we should go to my local for pizza and he suggests we share a pie!!!!!

Ok y’all long time followers of my life, know I don’t share food… ever!!! Like that Lady and the Tramp scene where they share the bowl of bolognese, actually gives me anxiety attacks!!! I would go feral if someone tried to suck the spaghetti out of my mouth. Feral.

So we end up sharing a pie. And I’m still hungry, but he isn’t. So we get ice cream. And it seems to be the day that everyone I know is working and wants to talk to me which either makes him feel “wow, this girl is so friendly and everyone loves talking to her”, or “this girl comes here waaaaayyyyyyyyy to much”.
I fear it was the latter!

So we chat, and chat, and chat. And he asks me some pretty deep questions, and makes me question things in certain ways. He seems genuinely interested in my life and I in his…. until (you knew this was coming dear reader didn’t you?) until he told me that he had never been to the theatre!!!

I was shook. Ive probably never been more shook about anything (apart from the time I went on a date with a pro Brexiter!!!)

So I took him to an open mic night that a friend recommended run by a drag queen. And instead of describing the entire plot of a show I had recently seen, I tell him the plots of all the shows the show tunes are from!!!

I’m Just destined to be a narrator aren’t I!!?

He wants to see me again so obviously he liked my story telling

Right so I have a Tinder lunch date with a guy who keeps sending me voice messages in different accents.
So he is either really good at accents, or I am about to meet his entire office for a “group hang”.

Also, it’s a lunch date. There will be food right? I’m allowed to eat on a date? Coz I’m hungry and craving pizza.

Also he keeps asking me questions about my businesses so this may just be a work meeting with his office…… maybe I should wear a suit!!

Side note, my clothes weren’t wet when I put them on, but got wet in the rain. Obviously a theme for the weekend!!

Update. He’s cute but also 7 years younger than me and shorter (which seemed to bother him). This difference in our drinks highlights our height difference (and our size difference!!). Big girl problems

And of course, I wore the worst outfit ever… with heels!!!
I literally look like hulk in that nothing fits and I am clearly not supposed to wear ankle swinger jeans.
Bursting out my clothes

The hair game was strong…. but made me much taller than he was!!!

Yup, he wants to see me again. He either likes Hulk…… or needs someone to block the sun for him

So I’m back on Tinder and had arranged to meet this guy tonight at 9pm and hadn’t really set a place to meet and I hadn’t heard from him since so just assumed it was off…… until he called me at 9.10 asking where I was! !!
I made up an excuse and picked a new location.
I have never got out of my pajamas so fast on my life. Took me 12 minutes to get ready and get in an uber.

My leggings are damp, my socks are wrong for the shoe, my hair is wet and I’m pretty sure there is dog sick on my coat. but I’m here and guess what dear reader?
The bastard isn’t even here yet!!!

UPDATE

So he is Italian (who knew?). I probably would have known if I had done my pre date prep work and actually read his profile!!!
Was awkward when I didn’t know his name though!!
Haha fuck

So that probably could have gone better tbh.

At one point he asked what my hobbies/passions are so I listed them and he said “so do you like to do anything that you can’t earn money from?”….. is it my fault that I have hacked my life to just get paid doing things I love? Didn’t think so.
However, my boss is a bitch ?

Then the conversation got a little slow so I ended up telling him scene by scene the 7 hour play I had seen earlier this week!
I thought I was doing a pretty good job retelling the masterpiece until one of the actors from the show (sitting on the table behind me) ended up tapping me on the back and saying “you forgot this scene”!!!
It was literally the only scene that actor had lines in!!

Then he kept giving me compliments so (being British) I got entirely too embarrassed about the situation and I then spent a good 20 minutes talking about my dinner…. my dinner was basically spaghetti with chickpeas and a jar of sauce.

He stopped giving me compliments after he saw this picture!!! Wonder why???
#epicshitdinner

And so I had already lied saying I lived further away from the venue than I actually did so when he offered to walk me home, I was like “nah mate, I live a good 20 minutes in the wrong direction”, so he then insisted on waiting for me to get in a taxi. In any other situation I would have been like “awwww what a gentleman”, but this time I was pissed because I now had to lie to a poor helpless london cabbie about where I was going. So after waving the Italian off, I got distracted by Facebook (thanks guys), and didn’t correct the address. Only to be dropped off
In some random neighborhood in London where I am pretty sure hepatitis was invented.

Awwww I just got a message from him. Assumed it was to tell me what a lovely time he had with me, and how much money I saved him with my detailed play retelling. But no. It was to correct a spelling error on my website