Drummer boy
Date 2

So the tinder pool was running dry and Drummer boy from Tinder 1.0 recently messaged me to reconnect.
He was a lot of fun and super interesting the first time around so I jumped at the chance.

He wanted pizza. I always want pizza. It was a match made in heaven. So I invited him to my usual place for the best pizza ever. It did not disappoint.

He looked just as cute as I remember him, with a mop of tight curly hair and strong facial features. He’s also a drummer so had nice arms (not that I was objectifying him in any way!!) ?

The venue was packed so we ordered pizza and food and searched for a seat. Once we found one, we vowed never to leave.

The pizza was good (as per usual), but what made me happiest was how impressed Drummer boy was with my rather awesome venue choice. He loved the venue, food, and drinks.

Now dear reader. Drummer boy is a actually a FB friend of mine and seemed rather disappointed when nothing spectacular was happening in order to make it into a #tindertale ….. however, the night was still young ?

After 3 hours of solid eating and drinking, his guard was down and (dare I say it), he was starting to get a little flirty.

I decided to go to the bar and get us another round of ciders and after paying for our drinks and about to walk away, some random wanker bumped into me, making me spill the drinks and smash the glasses. Within seconds, my bouncer friend was on the guy, ready to chuck him out. He had pinned him against the wall and was asking “are you alright Kim?”, “is he harassing you?”.
Wow Chris, thanks for the backup, but I’m cool. Glad he had my back though. I am given 2 new drinks and return to our seats.

So drummer boy and I were getting on super well. I think he just wanted to see me again to talk business, but I was taking any attention I could get. He wants to help me create my app ideas and I was making a Tinder date out of a job interview. Don’t judge me people. However with the number of ciders I had had already, I didn’t even care anymore.

We ended up chatting sci fi and Netflix and I ended up sharing my Netflix list with him as recommendations (I never do that).

After a while, we ended up playing on each other’s Tinder profiles. He was annoyed he didn’t get many matches, but I get loads. Side note: I do get loads of matches but maybe 1% I actually end up talking with.

So literally as he is complaining that he doesn’t get any matches, he suddenly gets a notification from Tinder that he has a new match. The excitement on his face was just adorable. He was so happy to have a match (other than me Obvs), and it was sheer glee on his face as he opened the app to see who from. We were both waiting with baited breath as he clicked to see that he had matched with….. a man!!!! A man, pretending to be a woman!!
He’s not into men. Poor drummer boy.

The cider was beginning to catch up with me so I decided to “break the seal” and pee. The line for the ladies was ridiculously long (seriously, why is this always an issue?), and I started chatting to the girl standing next to me.
She was super adorable, but very drunk.
So drunk in fact that she was having difficulty standing up properly. When it was her turn to go to the toilet, she semi dragged me in with her and asked for help !!!
While I have been dragged into my fair share of bathrooms by friends needing help with Buttons, zippers, or holding hair back. I have never been dragged in by a stranger asking me to check….. a mole between her breasts!!!!!
She told me She had only just noticed it and she was worried…. drunk but worried.
We both pulled out or phones to further inspect the mole, only to discover it was…..a black bean from her tacos which had somehow “glued” itself to her breasts!!

Crisis averted, I returned to my date… and another cider.

Having the most brilliant time. Mostly talking about Blade Runner tbh.

Come 11pm, we were both in need of chips (fries my American friends), but all of the stalls were closed. That was until I had the genius plan of using my “hey I’m a regular here” card, and went and flirted with the vegan stall guys for some food. They obliged, and I became the hero to drummer boy when I returned with the said food. Not all heroes wear capes people.

Twas nice.

So remember when I was on Tinder the first time (Tinder Beta/Tinder 1.0). Remember the Scottish guy?
The one I really wanted to like, but we just didn’t connect romantically? We went on 3 perfect dates and neither of us were feeling it.
Anyway….. I just sent him this.
So I have a new friend ?
Tinder…. connecting people in all the wrong ways

I just don’t understand where I went so wrong with my life.
A guy I assumed “ghosted” me on Tinder (this guy) just messaged me to apologize for not being in touch as he was having surgery.
Not just any old surgery guys. Hair transplant surgery!!!

I’m now stuck in a conversation about hair follicle numbers while I eat jam with a spoon pretending its a donut!!!

So this guy was a total wild card when it came to tinder dates. He had a mop of curly hair and in almost every picture he was dressed in a leotard. He looked like a crazy artist and I found him super interesting so agreed to meet.
He is the frontman of an indie band (you spotting a theme here dear reader?) lol.

So today I spent most of the day in bed as Felt super sick. He was very good about me pushing our lunch “date” back a few hours until dinner time.

I ended up painting my office wall right before our date so turned up covered in blue paint and looking like a smurf.

I strolled into the Venue and instantly spotted him. He looked just like his profile picture (minus the leotard), and had that awkward, artistic, look about him. He had odd socks on and rainbow trainers and I was instantly reminded of the guy who lived next door to me in halls at uni. Even at uni, i could never decide if I did fancy him or not, he was awkward but creative. And The Dandy reminded me of him a little too much.

He went in for an awkward kiss, but ended up head butting me instead. He apologized a little bit too much which made the entire thing even more excruciating. We ended up shaking hands instead. Weird.

There was something off about him. He didn’t want to be there. I started thinking to myself, that this will be my first tinder fail. Where the guy found me so repulsive, He just needed to leave.
Thankfully there was an explanation to his weird behavior…… he was on drugs!!

He then went on to not only tell me the drugs he had taken, but also the wild sex/art party he had had the night before!!

This was new turf for me and I was equally horrified and impressed. I should have left, but this tinder story needed to be told.

We walked around the Venue a couple of times and he was overwhelmed by the choice of food….. I wasn’t. I just wanted pizza (quelle surprise!!)

He ended up ordering something he wanted us to share but didn’t understand the concept of me being vegan and ordered duck. That’s cool. I don’t need to share food. But he kept on trying to feed me his duck and I kept refusing. At one point, he lifted up his fork and made a “choo choo” sound (like you would with a child), and slowly moved it to my mouth!!! Fucking weird guys. Fucking weird.

I’m all for guys trying to feed me. In fact, I think that’s my ideal relationship (someone who cooks for me), but this was next level bizarre.

So he’s telling me about his band and showing me his art work on Instagram and asking me tips on social media.

This seems to be an ongoing theme these days. Everyone is asking me for social media advice. Maybe I should consider a career change and become a guidance counselor or similar.
Of start using tinder to market my social media skills.

So remember I told you about him head butting me by mistake? There was something about the warm air, or the cider, or my cold that suddenly made my nose start bleeding. Sadly, I am not one of those people who have “delicate nosebleeds”, where Victorian gentlemen pass you a hanky and you can just lightly dab away. My nose bleeds are of volcanic proportions. As I’m bleeding all over the place, he hands me a tissue. The kinda tissue that is so crap at absorbing, they are used in commercials to make any other product look better (and more absorbent)!!
The tissues sadly make the entire situation worse and now blood is streaming down my nose and hands where it is mixing with the dried on blue paint resulting in a real life Picassoesq study of the grotesque.
There is now a crowd forming around us with well intentioned people handing various things to stop my nose bleeding…… including someone handing me their scarf!!! Their actual scarf!!!! Like why?

So I finally manage to get to the ladies room where as soon as I enter, my nose is all like “nah I’m cool. I don’t need to bleed no more!”. So I just take a moment to stare at myself and thank “what the hell has happened in my life to lead to this moment ?”
I’m having a bloody existential crisis

I emerge from the bathroom (looking less like a scene from Carrie) and tell him that I need to get home as I’m just too unwell to be out.

To his credit he is brilliant and I promise him that it wasn’t his company. I mean, actually losing pints of blood to get out of a tinder date is pretty hard core/desperate.

He walks me to the supermarket to buy me some coconut water and then walks me home.

I’m currently in bed eating the free brownie I got for being a regular customer at the market

Probably won’t see him again considering my entire life blood seemed allergic to his presence.

I have a date tonight with a ginger bearded man who seems absolutely hilarious from his profile.
Me “what do you do?”
Him “insert boring job here”
Me “…”
Him “what do you do?”
Me “insert all 8 of my jobs”
Him “I feel inadequate. But I’m also a drummer!!”

So I feel it’s time that I put together a Tinder Band from all the guys I’ve met.
Defo enough for a boy band… if not enough for a Big Band