So this guy has been chatting to me for about a week. He’s super super interesting. He has sent me pictures of his art work, sends me poetry in Italian, has sent me videos of his concerts.
He is unbelievably accomplished in so many ways. I knew we would get along based on all the chats we had had.
He picked a Thai restaurant (having paid attention to a previous convo we had where I mention my love of Thai). I wore my first date dress so I didn’t get confused as to what’s what.
My Uber drive to the restaurant was surreal. The driver had a Pomeranian (which obviously got the convo started). He then kept talking about how we should get together for some sexy time.
And I’m like “mate, this is wildly inappropriate”
and he’s like “so sorry, I meant the dogs. My boy is a stallion”.
And I was like *eye roll*.
And he’s like “look How cute my pom pom is?”
As I’m all like “1 Star”
Ps it seems to be a London Tinder thing to leave your uber score in your dating profile. All the boys be like “5 stars”, “97% 5 Star reviews”, etc etc.
And I just cringe coz my Uber score is shit. It’s not because I’m a dick (ok, maybe sometimes it’s because I’m a dick), but it’s mostly because I smuggle bags of dogs into the Uber without telling the driver and strategically cough or sneeze whenever the dogs make a noise. Then when we rock up to whatever destination I want to go, I open the bags and free the doggos. They are like furry little jack in the boxes!!!
I digress. So we roll up to the Thai restaurant where The Artiste is looking rather dapper and handsome. He’s so arty and totally looking cool without trying. He has an NYC based t-shirt on (in a totally ironic way) with a blazer, and I’m digging it.
The bloody Uber driver, decides to be a gentleman and opens the door for me without any prior warning which resulted in me half falling out in full view of The Artiste. I turn it into a rather awkward curtesy. So awkward.
We have to wait 20 minutes for a table so we are standing by the door but conversation flows naturally. This man is a born performer and giving a great show. He is charismatic, charming, a gentleman.
We take our seat and he holds the menu open for me, we talk about food and wine and theatre (my passions combined).
So the Waitress takes our order and I order my fav papaya salad and a curry. He orders something in Thai with a perfect accent. I swoon.
My papaya salad turns up and it’s delicious. It takes me back to memories of my fav Thai restaurant in NYC and meals with my friend Sophie Gamand
After about 8 bites, there appears to be a fire in my mouth. I suddenly seem unable to take the heat and end up semi choking and semi begging for water. He pours me some water… and more… and more, until I have drank an entire hose pipe of H2O and still need more. I then get a coke, and 2 ice teas and still the burning continues. And every time it starts to cease, I take another mouthful of food (because it is so good). So I’m actually sitting there crying while taking mouthfuls of food and fanning my mouth.
He’s like “but why don’t you stop eating it?”
And I’m like “but it’s so delicious. It’s worth the pain”. (This probably perfectly highlights my turbulent relationship with food!!)
I think this is where he decided I was a little bit strange. Why would someone choose to continue eating something that is causing them physical pain???? I don’t know people. I just don’t know.
So as I’m crying away, he’s telling me about a show he is producing and from the previews he has shown me, it sounds amazing.
At this point, I couldn’t actually see him properly for tears in my eyes and I decided to give up on the salad.
The entire wait staff shoot me a look to say either “pathetic white girl”, or “she deserves a medal for taking part”. I couldn’t see that well through the tears to differentiate between the two!!
The main meal comes along and The Artiste is actually praying that it isn’t hot. You can see his visible panic as I take my first mouthful. And his audible sigh when I say it’s not spicy.
As we are eating, I start getting ridiculously animated and end up dropping curry down my dress… along with tofu down my bra. And he just watches me as I try and pretend like nothing happened and hide the panic from my face. It becomes awkward as he is sitting staring at me gobsmacked, and I am just trying to be as cool as a bank manager denying your loan application (all while smiling manically to overcompensate for how clumsy I am!).
He hands me a tissue to clean up my top and I just pretend everything is fine.
We chat and chat and chat and it’s engaging and fascinating and wonderful and I suddenly need to pee (could have something to do with the lake full of water I drank with the starter).
He then says “you may want to check the tofu is ok in your bra also!!”
Me “I’m sure it’s cool!!”
Da Fuk Kim!! Da actual Fuk!!
The meal continues and I’m too mortified to eat dessert so we go for a walk.
It’s a light breeze but a cool evening to be strolling. I suddenly desperately need the loo again (damn you water), and the only place nearby that is open is where he is staying. I’m really not one to go back to a guys house on a first date, but I weighed up the pros and cons and decided that if he was a murderer, I would rather die with an empty bladder!!
So he opens the door and it’s a bloody studio set up with a clear door for the bathroom and my heart just drops. Why is this happening to me?
So I did what any self respecting girl would do when presented with an acute need to pee, vs a clear door (with no hook)…. I took my cardigan off and held it up in front of me to protect my shame.
And so I peed…..while silently sobbing inside.
After I was done, I needed to get out of there ASAP so said I was going to book an Uber. He asked for my help moving a couple pieces of furniture and setting up for a photo shoot he was doing in the morning. It was the least I could do after being so damn inadequate .
So here I am, helping this man redecorate his Airbnb studio, wishing that the tofu was still down my bra as I’m getting hungry again
***EDITED***
He wants to see me again (I think to produce his show) and I got home and scoffed a bag of donuts!!
