The Comedian

So, the comedian and I had been talking for ages. Probably messaging back and forth for at least a month but it was impossible for us to meet. I feel like he was away, then I was busy, then he was busy, ad nauseum.

So when he invited me to his comedy gig, I decided that this was the chance to finally get to meet the man.

I should preface this with the fact that I’ve been super sick all week. It’s one of those rare weeks where the sun decided to shine in the uk and it was deliciously humid. However the problem with me and humidity (no, it’s not having curly hair guys!!) are the accompanying migraines I get. So after 4 days of thunderstorms, my head is destroyed, I have done no work, and mostly failing to function. However, I was pretty sure it was going to be the only chance I would ever get to meet this guy. Nothing ventured, nothing gained right?

So I commit to the date.

It’s literally as far away as possible from my flat (without leaving England!). So me being me, I call an Uber. And being a total dickhead, I make a big deal about how far I’m traveling to meet him…. I even include a map, and give him a running commentary of the strange, mysterious suburbs we pass to get to the venue.

You know when you’re texting someone and find it’s not sending only to look up and realize you are in a tunnel under the water and you’re pretty sure this is the exact location the zombies win the battle against humanity? (Yes I know that was a run on sentence that probably deserved some punctuation…can you just imagine if for now?).

It’s also hot as hell, and the asshole Uber drive won’t put the air conditioning on. It’s broken apparently. Whatever.

So my driver and I are stuck in this tunnel and he keeps staring at me. And being the Queen of Modesty that I am, I start to think “damn girl. You’re looking fine. Some tinder guy is gonna get Lucky tonight”.

Uber driver “I recognize you from somewhere don’t I?”

Me *actual sinking feeling*. When I start to think that maybe it’s the same Uber driver who thinks I am pregnant with Timmy and Tommy.

Uber “yeah, I saw you before”

Me “really?” Did you watch X,Y,Z? I’m an actress you know!!” (Yes I’m a douche)

Uber “nah…. it was something else”

Me “oh”

Uber “do you know Vinnie?”

Me “I don’t think so”

Uber “yeah, that’s it. You served time with Tina”.

Me “nope. I’ve not been to jail before”

Uber “nah, I’m sure it was you”

Me “nah mate. Wrong girl. Wasn’t me”.

Uber “I could have sworn”

Me …

And this bit I am not proud of.

He keeps staring at me in the mirror and I catch his eye and give him a knowing smile.

Then my mum calls and I do a totally dick move and answer the phone saying “hi Tina”. Have a rather general conversation with a rather cryptic line “I’m in an Uber now and it’s super hot. Be there soon. Say hi to Vinnie”.

And you know what happened next dear reader? The air conditioning in the car magically came on!!!! It’s a miracle.

Thankfully my mother doesn’t listen to most things I say so she was none the wiser.

So I rock up at the venue and meet the comedian for the first time and he is adorable (albeit very quiet). I started to worry I was making him nervous, but he later told me he had a raging hangover.we don’t actually talk that much.

Most of the comedy was average but my date was very good. He got several belly aching laughs from me so defo ticked the “make Kim laugh” box in my criteria.

I walked him to the bus stop through one of the sketchiest parts of town (where I am pretty sure syphilis was invented). He felt safe coz I lived in New York…….

and I wondered how my umbrella could be used as nunchucks should we need saving.

Leave him at the bus stop and jump into an Uber home. And promptly vomited out of the window. Good news, migraine has gone. Bad news, I’m no doubt getting a cleaning bill that even Vinnie can’t get me out of!!!

Oh….. Did I mention he’s Australian? But doesn’t seem a twat like the last one