Did you know that it was possible to be in such a state of ennui, that time stops still?
That your entire life force is being sucked away from you as your brain cells die, and you find yourself counting bubbles in your drink Just so you remember to breath? No? neither did I Dear Reader. Neither did I!!

I had high hopes for the gardener. His sense of humor seemed on point. His profile was cute, with just the right amount of edginess. His pictures showed him skiing around the world. An athlete I hear you cry! We all know how Kim likes a fit body.
He gardens and volunteers at his local community garden also so he has philanthropic tendencies with a dose of humbleness. We all also know how much Kim likes a gardener. Alan Tirchmarsh and Monty Dom sandwich any day. A man who knows his heuchera from his herbaceous borders is damn sexy. And I defy you to say otherwise.
As you saw in my last hashtag, the picture he sent of him handling a courgette seemed to suggest a playful sense of humor (or vegan dick pic as some of your suggested). Sadly, the comments on the most boring Facebook page in the world has more of a sense of humor or playfulness than this man. It turns out that the picture had nothing to do with humor, but everything to do with his prize winning courgette from the local “County Fair” competition!!
I just stared blankly at him, waiting for the punchline. There wasn’t one.

So the evening started in my fav local eatery (you all know the one). I met The Gardener outside and gave him a little hug as a hello. He just looked bored out of his mind and really unimpressed with both me and the venue. Now, I’ve taken a lot of people to this eatery and it’s anything but unimpressive, so that left me.
Every insecurity I’ve ever had about myself came to light and I started to rack my brains to find out where I had maybe mislead this guy in my online profile. Maybe I was too tall? Maybe I was too fat? Maybe I wasn’t cute enough? Maybe I was too bold with my dress choice? Maybe my bra was showing? Maybe he didn’t like career women? Maybe my confidence came across as arrogance? Maybe I had used the wrong word in a sentence? Maybe he knows that sometimes I have to double check to ensure I’ve used the correct “effect/affect”?
I literally dissected my every flaw in the 2 minutes it took to get to the bar and couldn’t work out what was so unimpressive about me….. until precisely 332 seconds later when he told me one of the main perks of his career was that he just found out he received 75% off all rail travel in the country. That’s 75% off. That means he only pays 25% of a ticket. He then went on to explain to me exactly what 25% means.
“So if a ticket is £100. I only pay £25!!!! That’s 25%”
Me “wow, that’s a great saving”
Him “I don’t think you understand. So, if a ticket price is listed as £10. I only pay £2.50”
Me “yeah I get it”
Him “are you sure?”

And then it hit me. The problem he had with me was that I was smart. I could work out 25% of something without his help!!!
Hand over that Mensa application boys, my IQ is coming to get you.

So I got my cider (grace a dieu) and bought him a beer, and we sat outside to enjoy the last of the sunshine. Not before I managed to say hi (or ciao and bonjour) to everyone I knew in the Venue (great seeing you Massimo Guasti), just to prove that not only was I friendly, but I could also work out 25% of something in multiple languages.

Did you know that you can’t make your brain explode just by wishing it? It turns out that all the Tony Robbins “if you think it, it will happen” BS, isn’t real.

After an hour of him talking about his patio garden, I was bored. Don’t get me wrong, I was impressed by the 32 vegetables he grew on his balcony for about 3 minutes. Then I was hoping the conversation would move on…. it didn’t. He then started showing me multiple pictures of every stage of each vegetables growth cycle like I was a child!!! I told him the only thing I watch religiously on tv was gardeners world, and while all my friends were monthly subscribers to “Take That monthly”, I was a 12 year old with a subscription to “Gardeners world magazine” and “succulents and how to love them”. This isn’t actually even a joke. I had over 300 cacti at one point with my own greenhouse to house them. I wonder why I had no friends in school.
But even I was bored by this conversation and patronizing photo journalism.
Every time I tried to steer the conversation away from his balcony, we somehow ended up back on it again. I’m a pretty good conversationalist but I Just couldn’t get this man past his passion for horticulture. I started counting the vowels on the label of cider and creating my own version of Countdown in my head.

He asked if I wanted to get food. I didn’t. Y’all know this fat girl loves to eat but I was so scared that if we ordered food, it would prolong the agony of this date for even longer.

I started to strategize a way out. As I didn’t want to be the douche (not that kind of douche David Wildman!), who pulls her phone out on a date, I started a fake coughing fit. I mean, I do have a respiratory infection so it wasn’t entirely fake….. ok it was. I started such a hard coughing fit, that he was concerned for my well being and went to get a glass of water (the Academy Award goes to…).
As soon as he was out of sight, I whipped out my phone. Posted a “bored” message on fb, and arranged for my friend to call me in exactly 30 minutes with a dog related emergency.
As he returned with my water (and a beer for himself…wanker!!), I resumed my fit of malinger and started to make excuses.
This is where he finally changed the subject to darts!!!!
I know nothing of darts, I care nothing of darts. The only “dart” I was currently interested in was getting out of here.
He talked and talked and talked and talked. The only thing I learned was that darts always ended on a double (not a double shot as I hoped for!). He told me probably the most hilarious story in his repertory (about how he got his Captain of the darts team nickname), I feigned interest and pondered another coughing fit.
He finally got the hint that I needed to go home because I was ill, and we made a rather swift exit. I showed him to his bicycle and pretended to walk home. What I really did was hid behind a car, called my friend, waited for him to leave and circled back to the venue to get food!! I looked too pretty to waste the evening.

I listened to jazz, had some great food, sexy cocktails, met with a prior Tinder date for a chat, and bought random boys beers (well, they give me free brownies so not totally random boys).

I’m not sure how much more of this Tindering I can do . Do matchmakers (like in Mulan) exist?

So remember when I was on Tinder the first time (Tinder Beta/Tinder 1.0). Remember the Scottish guy?
The one I really wanted to like, but we just didn’t connect romantically? We went on 3 perfect dates and neither of us were feeling it.
Anyway….. I just sent him this.
So I have a new friend ?
Tinder…. connecting people in all the wrong ways

I just don’t understand where I went so wrong with my life.
A guy I assumed “ghosted” me on Tinder (this guy) just messaged me to apologize for not being in touch as he was having surgery.
Not just any old surgery guys. Hair transplant surgery!!!

I’m now stuck in a conversation about hair follicle numbers while I eat jam with a spoon pretending its a donut!!!

So this guy was a total wild card when it came to tinder dates. He had a mop of curly hair and in almost every picture he was dressed in a leotard. He looked like a crazy artist and I found him super interesting so agreed to meet.
He is the frontman of an indie band (you spotting a theme here dear reader?) lol.

So today I spent most of the day in bed as Felt super sick. He was very good about me pushing our lunch “date” back a few hours until dinner time.

I ended up painting my office wall right before our date so turned up covered in blue paint and looking like a smurf.

I strolled into the Venue and instantly spotted him. He looked just like his profile picture (minus the leotard), and had that awkward, artistic, look about him. He had odd socks on and rainbow trainers and I was instantly reminded of the guy who lived next door to me in halls at uni. Even at uni, i could never decide if I did fancy him or not, he was awkward but creative. And The Dandy reminded me of him a little too much.

He went in for an awkward kiss, but ended up head butting me instead. He apologized a little bit too much which made the entire thing even more excruciating. We ended up shaking hands instead. Weird.

There was something off about him. He didn’t want to be there. I started thinking to myself, that this will be my first tinder fail. Where the guy found me so repulsive, He just needed to leave.
Thankfully there was an explanation to his weird behavior…… he was on drugs!!

He then went on to not only tell me the drugs he had taken, but also the wild sex/art party he had had the night before!!

This was new turf for me and I was equally horrified and impressed. I should have left, but this tinder story needed to be told.

We walked around the Venue a couple of times and he was overwhelmed by the choice of food….. I wasn’t. I just wanted pizza (quelle surprise!!)

He ended up ordering something he wanted us to share but didn’t understand the concept of me being vegan and ordered duck. That’s cool. I don’t need to share food. But he kept on trying to feed me his duck and I kept refusing. At one point, he lifted up his fork and made a “choo choo” sound (like you would with a child), and slowly moved it to my mouth!!! Fucking weird guys. Fucking weird.

I’m all for guys trying to feed me. In fact, I think that’s my ideal relationship (someone who cooks for me), but this was next level bizarre.

So he’s telling me about his band and showing me his art work on Instagram and asking me tips on social media.

This seems to be an ongoing theme these days. Everyone is asking me for social media advice. Maybe I should consider a career change and become a guidance counselor or similar.
Of start using tinder to market my social media skills.

So remember I told you about him head butting me by mistake? There was something about the warm air, or the cider, or my cold that suddenly made my nose start bleeding. Sadly, I am not one of those people who have “delicate nosebleeds”, where Victorian gentlemen pass you a hanky and you can just lightly dab away. My nose bleeds are of volcanic proportions. As I’m bleeding all over the place, he hands me a tissue. The kinda tissue that is so crap at absorbing, they are used in commercials to make any other product look better (and more absorbent)!!
The tissues sadly make the entire situation worse and now blood is streaming down my nose and hands where it is mixing with the dried on blue paint resulting in a real life Picassoesq study of the grotesque.
There is now a crowd forming around us with well intentioned people handing various things to stop my nose bleeding…… including someone handing me their scarf!!! Their actual scarf!!!! Like why?

So I finally manage to get to the ladies room where as soon as I enter, my nose is all like “nah I’m cool. I don’t need to bleed no more!”. So I just take a moment to stare at myself and thank “what the hell has happened in my life to lead to this moment ?”
I’m having a bloody existential crisis

I emerge from the bathroom (looking less like a scene from Carrie) and tell him that I need to get home as I’m just too unwell to be out.

To his credit he is brilliant and I promise him that it wasn’t his company. I mean, actually losing pints of blood to get out of a tinder date is pretty hard core/desperate.

He walks me to the supermarket to buy me some coconut water and then walks me home.

I’m currently in bed eating the free brownie I got for being a regular customer at the market

Probably won’t see him again considering my entire life blood seemed allergic to his presence.

I have a date tonight with a ginger bearded man who seems absolutely hilarious from his profile.
Me “what do you do?”
Him “insert boring job here”
Me “…”
Him “what do you do?”
Me “insert all 8 of my jobs”
Him “I feel inadequate. But I’m also a drummer!!”

So I feel it’s time that I put together a Tinder Band from all the guys I’ve met.
Defo enough for a boy band… if not enough for a Big Band