Arrogance. There is nothing more attractive. Arrogance combined with the certainty of the fact that you are “Gods gift” to women kind (sorry, human kind) are indeed the most attractive traits to any hot blooded young lady (I use “young” here dear Reader,as this is clearly the truthful part of the post. 😉 )
I lay awake at night dreaming that my Prince Charming will come along and teach me what 25% is. How to eat vegan food. Or expect me to pay for his dinner and drinks. One can only dream of such a catch.
Well ladies and gentlemen. I met the King of all men last night. Let’s call him the Rat King as he is an amalgam of every awful trait a person could have. (Side note. I am not responsible for you googling “Rat King”. I wouldn’t recommend it. But I’m also a sicko who couldn’t look away)
It was New Years Day. What’s that saying? The first day of the year sets the tone for the rest of it? Well this lady was ready. 2019 was going to be the year of all the boys after the unexpected and awkward pause when I attempted a relationship (not quite sure what I was thinking!!!).
I had been trying out a new app. It was a little exciting and new, but lacked the detail of my usual “go to” app. It also clearly lacked an “asshole” filter to weed out the megalomaniacs and omniscience men amongst us.
The Rat King and I hadn’t chatted much before hand in all honesty but he was a teacher, and grew up not far from where I went to uni. We had a bit of banter on WhatsApp and after-all it was the “holidays”, so I thought why not?
He turned up, and he was an absolute “lad”. I didn’t even know that polo T-shirt’s with the collars straight up were still a thing. He wanted to go to a british chain pub designed for the misguided, and unfortunate. What a shame there wasn’t one open nearby!!
We went to a youngish pub attached to a youth hostel (which I seem to be frequenting a lot recently on dates). The staff are friendly. Drinks cheap (but good), and atmosphere “homely” (but that might just be because it has basically become my second home now!!).
The Rat-king was from Scotland and was currently working in education. Now dear Reader. I have a lot of friends who work in education. A lot. They all seem to have similar traits. All caring. Patient. Empathetic. Nurturing. Etc. The Rat King was none of those things. He was a condescending wanker (a british term that perfectly sums up what a dick head this individual is).
He talked solidly for 60 minutes. 60 minutes!! And I’ll have you know, I’m not a quiet person…. at all.
It was just impossible to get a word in edgeways. Every time I started to talk, he came up with a new story, anecdote, or life lesson that I simply had to know. It just became a character study for me. How much can one person talk before he gets bored of hearing his own voice?
The answer is a lot.
It got to the point where I may as well not have been there. So I went to the bar and got another drink. He shouted a few “commands” at me and continued talking. I just stood at the bar flabbergasted and took a selfie of the mortification on my face (doing it for the gram people). The Rat King was talking at me so loudly from the other side of the room that the bar tender had to go up to him and ask if he was ok because he was disturbing other customers.
I bought him a larger. Hold the cyanide.
When I brought it back to the table, the conversation had now moved on, and he was mocking children that he teaches. Doing impressions of the kids at his school. And I just sat there. Wondering what happened to the start of the year that began so wonderfully.
It was when I started to put my cardigan on to leave. that The Rat King asked me my first question. “What do I do?”
This isn’t often an easy question to answer as I’m one of those annoying “multi hyphen” job people. I do a bit of everything. I had listed my first job “actress” and was told by the Rat King that it wasn’t a real job. That acting was only for famous people. How everyone calls themselves an “actor” (pronounced actooor) these days.
Me “ummmm ok”
Rat King “go on. Go on. What else do you do (dooooooo)?”
Me “I am a producer, blogger and Instagrammer”
RK “those aren’t real jobs!!! Just trying to be famous are you? What even is that?”
Me “well, it’s …..”
RK “all the kids in my class want to be “influencers”. It’s just made up crap. Like what even do you influence? Is just conning people. Being famous for the sake of famous. You don’t even deliver anything”
This continued for a further 45 minutes as I just sat there stupefied by this “man” insulting my entire career and life choices without knowing (or caring) about what I do!!
I just started putting my coat on in slow motion. He continued talking and talking faster and faster to get as many words out as possible.
It was during this little monologue that the conversation took a sick and twisted angle. I was clearly leaving and he realized he had lost his “audience” so he made a last minute desperate attempt to keep my attention. He started talking about how all the mums at his school want to “shag” him. How his colleagues won’t stop propositioning him. How he was God’s gift to womenkind. Etc etc. everyone wanted him (including the kids in his class) “but he didn’t fancy me anymore and wouldn’t even go down on me.”
Me “hahahaha. Go down on someone!!! You do realize that would mean you would have to stop talking?”
And I left the Rat King stupefied (and quiet for the first time all evening), walked past the bar, was given a high five by the barman, and then got the bouncers telephone number