So as per my post earlier, I wasn’t really feeling up for a Tinder date tonight but didn’t want to cancel the guy after already changing the time twice today.
So I should preface this date with a shopping trip I had with a friend last week. She was sick of me just wearing a sports bra and schlep clothes that she took me shopping for lingerie that fits and forced me to buy multiple bra and panty sets. To be fare on her, I did have a steamy date that night so there was method to her madness.
Back to today. So because England decided to be graced with the coy presence of the sun , I realized that I couldn’t wear my regular first date outfit and had to think a little more abstractly.
I ended up picking a floral dress and some plimsols (because I am the only girl in the world who owns hardly any shoes!).
So I was looking pretty good in the outfit, considering I got ready in 10 minutes (and was already 10 minutes late) and was ready to meet my future ex from Tinder.
I picked a venue close to me. Anyone that knows me irl, knows I always go to the same place. It’s not remotely original but I like the food, atmosphere, and I also get a nice discount for being a regular 
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It’s less than 5 minutes walk from my flat so I let Tinder man know my eta. The only problem was, I was having peripheral vision issues. My eyesight was absolutely fine, but wearing this bra was unfocusing me. Wherever I looked, all I could see was boobs. Trying to cross the road? Boob obstruction. Putting my headphones away? Boob obstruction!!! Like my boobs were just everywhere I looked.
I’m not usually breast obsessed. They are just generally pillows. However, this new bra had somehow turned my breasts into Ursula Anderson In Bond mixed with Madonna in Vogue!!!
It also became a problem when I walked past the pub and I felt everyone was staring!!! Someone even asked how my day was!!!!!! (That is highly suspect from a Londoner!!).
So I ran (ok walked) back home to get a cardigan.
By this point, I was now 20 minutes late and I’m Pretty sure the guy thought I had stood him up.
I was able to walk better once covered up and met the date outside the venue. Now he had pre texted me what he was going to be wearing (a suit) and I knew this would go one of two ways. Either I instantly declare my love for him (knowing how much I love a man in a suit), or I think he is a politician. Thankfully it was the latter, and I was able to focus a little more on the conversation.
First thing he mentioned was how tall I am!!!!! I don’t understand why men on Tinder seem so surprised that someone who says they are 6ft tall, actually turns out to be 6ft tall!!!! It seems to be an ongoing theme recently.
So he’s lovely and buys me pizza (a sure way to my heart), I buy him beer (a way to a mans heart), and we find some seats. He offers to take my cardigan from me and before I had a chance to think, my bloody boobs were out like a beacon for every lost soul in the venue. Some random stranger actually came up to me and pulled a chair out for me to sit down at the table with my date!!! Another stranger across the communal table, handed me a napkin!!
When the pizza arrived, the entire situation became even worse as not only did I have to eat while Modestly covering my chest, I somehow managed to slam a pizza slice into the underside of my breasts while trying to get said slice from the table into my mouth!!!
I pretended to be casual about the entire thing and just brushed it off as nothing. That was until he started staring at my breasts. Almost transfixed. I was ready to give him a piece of my mind when I noticed a piece of mushroom stuck to the underside of my breast area started to slowly peel off and fall back onto the table. I was mortified and just sat there open mouthed unable to say anything other than softly muttering “I was saving that for later!!”
He wants to see me again!!!