From the beginning of the evening.
He is revenge late (see previous post here) and told me to get an uber to a coffee shop in Bermondsey.
I entered my uber in central london and seemed to exit In Williamsburg, Brooklyn. Surrounded by hipsters and losing the will to live.
The coffee shop was filled with pretentious twats mispronouncing chipotle and kombucha.
I ended up ordering an artisanal, fair trade, organic Apple juice where the “barista” made sure to tell me how they had visited the farm personally and liked the “ethos”. They are playing Blur in a non ironic way (in a yup, Blur actually made another album after they were famous!!!).
Kill me now. Just kill me!!!
So he turns up and he looks casual as fuck. And I’m dolled up with a dress, and makeup (ignore the Converse for the moment). And he informs me that the tapas place is full so he knows another place nearby. A steak house.
Y’all know I’m a vegan. I’m not a preachy vegan by any means. But knowing someone is a vegan, you wouldn’t suggest a steak house as a dinner date would you? This is what my inner monologue is saying. My actual response was “ok, no problem. I’m sure they have something vegan I can have.”.
We turn up and I ask the waitress if I can look at the menu before we sit down. It’s all in french. French isn’t usually a problem for me but I’m just not in the right frame of mind to translate anything….. and I’m hungry. So I tell the waitress that I’m vegan and is there anything at all I can eat? So she says the chef will rustle up something. Phew.
We sit down and he orders a steak and I get “whatever the chef can rustle up!”.
Conversation is awkward. He’s asking me for career advice as he’s quitting his job. What is it about me that people keep confusing with a careers advisor? So I’m like “be an instagrammer!!” Trying to be facetious. Sadly he thought I was being serious and then asked me how to become an instagrammer.
Food turns up and my meal was literally 3 baby potatoes and 5 asparagus Spears!!!! Now, yes. I sometimes am prone to exaggerating a little…. sometimes. But this was actually what was served to me.
Y’all know how much I enjoy my food and this “meal” made me want to cry.
He’s just learnt to swim (bless him), and tells me all about his lessons.
So my potatoes have been eaten and the bill arrives. I pull out my card (standard for me. I always go Dutch) fully expecting to pay for meal. He then tells he server, we will be splitting the bill. So I end up paying £24 ($30) for my 3 baby potatoes and asparagus. 
?
He proposes we get dessert. Finally something I can be excited about. He will redeem himself.
He tells me that there is somewhere nearby that has a few options and my heart actually sings. Waffles? Pancakes? Cheesecake? Please be cheesecake.
So we cross the road and we walk into co-op supermarket to grab “dessert”!!!! I have never been so horrified in my entire life.
For my international readers, Co-op is a chain of supermarkets that are fully stocked with empty promises and disappointment. Think the awesomeness of 7Eleven while you are drunk!!!
He takes the last ice cream and then says “what you gonna have?”. This is the moment where my heart actually tore in two. He had lulled me into false hope and had watched me fall from a tremendous height. So I picked up a mini pack of pineapple. “I’ll just have this”.
I then suggest we get an uber so we aren’t late for my friends show and he laughs at me, suggesting we get the bus. I have never had anyone laugh at me for suggesting we get an uber. Yes I know I am uber obsessed, but what is life without small pleasures?
At this point I just want to make up an excuse and leave. But he knows I am going to the show, and it would just be awkward so I follow him onto the bus.
We don’t talk.
We turn up at the show and it’s superb and awkward and brilliant. The Australian Just isn’t into it and seems bored out of his mind. I’m laughing hysterically
One of my improv friends turns up late and sits behind me with what looks like a mail order Bride (sorry Paul). And as the show goes on my brain starts going. Should I start a mail order bride business? What is a good web domain for this kinda business? Is selling people illegal? everywhere? Is this a better option than Tinder?
By the end of Mike’s show, I had about 50 domains to purchase. All stupid puns along the lines of the Kinko’s slogan “make it. Print it. Pack it. Ship it”.
So the show ends and I’m pretty sure this guy hasn’t smiled once. I really needed to pee (and update y’all as to how awful this was). So I spend about 20 minutes lingering in the bathrooms. I wish I had taken a hip flask. Mental note to always carry a hip flask in case of emergency.
Maybe I could use the doggy camera and train a dog to bring me a flask of booze a la St Bernard’s!! So I start watching YouTube videos on how to train your dog to bring you things……. specifically bottles of booze. Surprisingly (or unsurprisingly, there aren’t many videos on this).
I eventually emerge from the bathroom and I’m pretty sure he breaths a sigh of relief that I actually returned. I wonder if it’s possible to hold my breath long enough to pass out???.
I try and end the evening by saying that i had fun and I’m going to go grab a drink with my friends from the show and stupidly, stupidly say “would you like to come?” He says yes and I then start to fantasize as to what a frontal lobotomy without pain relief feels like!!
I’ve never drunk a coke so fast in my life and used my dogs as an excuse to leave.
I had secretly hoped he would leave and I could double back and rejoin my friends. He however insists on walking me home 
?
As we are walking, a drunk guy covered in vomit is dragged out of a pub into a police car and shouts to me “alright darling”. His girlfriend follows him closely behind crying. And I start wondering as to if a date with this drunkard would have been more fun!!!! Least there would have been a good story to tell!! Vomit vs Boredom? I can’t decide. I think his gf had a better night than I did!!!
So I’m now home, watching Pokémon (and working out how many degrees I need to get out of the Spanx I appear to be trapped in!!) and he just texted me that he wants to see me again!!! FML